I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphereI need to know that things are gonna look up'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place...
~ Train
It's been many years since I've written a blog post, but it used to be where I processed my thoughts and feelings - tossing it out into the interwebs like as message in bottle to float aimless in a sea of zeros and ones, never to be actually read by another soul because it is in the writing that the healing occurs.
So, why now? Well, as they say, it's cheaper than therapy.
The last four years have been journey, one I would have preferred to skip and would not recommend to anyone. I'm still traveling and really don't know where I will be at its end. Honestly, it scares me. It's not a journey of faith, nor of losing faith, but it's also kind of a little bit of both. I have learned that I can trust no one and yet I need trustworthy people in my life. I learned that everyone I have ever looked up to and thought highly of has let me down in spectacular fashion. And I have learned that the places that ought to be the safest are where the greatest dangers lurk. Family is not safe. Church is not safe. And religious leaders are DEFINITELY NOT SAFE.
So where does that leave me? Well, if it were just myself I was concerned about, this wouldn't really be that big of a deal, but I have children now and all I want is to keep them safe so they can live happy, healthy lives. Ok, that's not all I want. I want them to be Christians. I want to raise them in the church to love Jesus and to want to be like Jesus. I want us to all go to heaven someday. But those desires are at odds. Yes, I can keep them away from known sexual predators at home and church, but what about the unknown ones? What about the guy who raped his own daughter and then sat next to MY daughter every Sunday (yes, the pastor and elders knew but didn't tell me). What about the pastor who was TOLD he had a pedophile in his midst and chose to make him a DEACON and YOUTH LEADER? What about the men who aren't sexual predators, but teach my daughters that they are second class citizens because they are female? Or teach my son that it's ok to bully the girls or subjugate his future wife? Or blame me when one of their sons physically restrains my daughter, holding her against her will? I don't know. Trying to live on high-alert all the time is exhausting.
And then what exactly am I supposed to teach them. We start with the Bible. That part is easy. But the Bible has been so twisted and used for such ungodly ends... And by men I once respected! If I have been that far off the mark, can I even trust my own judgement?! When my children fight me on church attendance or Bible reading, do I just shove it down their throats? I mean, in the Reformed tradition, I can't drag my children into heaven kicking and screaming, so what is the right course of action?
My son, at 7 years old, told me he wished the big bang theory were true so he wouldn't have to worship God. He gets it. He understands that if the universe was created, then the Creator is a being deserving of worship. But he has had such traumatic experiences at church (even once locked in a dark closet, his abusers laughing as he cried to be let out), that he wants no part of it. How do I compete with that?
I feel lost and alone and so very unsafe.
