The Tragedy of Apathy

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it. ~ George B. Shaw

There is some truth to this quote, but I think there is a third category that is more tragic than the first two. The third is this: to not have any desire. I have seen the apathetic life and at times even experienced it, and it is the saddest of lives.

This past year has held many disappointments for me. I've been forced to give up some dreams. In exchange I've turned to others. But through it all, there has always been something - a reason to keep going - to keep trying to achieve the things just out of reach. Maybe that is why gaining your heart's desire is such a tragedy - there would be nothing left to strive for. Those dreams are what make life worth living.

Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)

So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care

You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care

I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
~ Relient K

The oft' blurred lines 'twixt living and dreaming

I'm not usually much of a dreamer, but maybe that is because I am not much of a sleeper. Lately, however, being as sick as I've been, I have become both. My dreams are very interesting though because they are just a better version of reality. My real life pretty much consists of running, working out in the gym, trying to get a better score on my PFT, and studying for the ASTB to get into flight school. In my dreams I take muliple PFTs per night and am able to complete the 70 second flexed arm hang with energy to spare; I am a super-star on the O-course; and last night, I was even a very talented fighter-pilot. The only problem with these dreams is that they are exhausting! When I wake up, I am tense and sore... definitely NOT ready to start a new day. At the same time, these dreams encourage me. I keep thinking that if I just keep up what I am doing in my current reality, maybe those things will become reality too. I know these are not the dreams of most girls, but I never was "most girls." And it's my dream.

Wake Up

Have you ever wished you could just sleep for several days or weeks or months, to give a bad environment time to disappear? I know I have. Well, I got the chance to do just that. I entered my dream world in October of last year. It was called Iraq. All the bad things that went on at work and home were not a part of my reality (I knew about some of the bad things that were happening, but I could not process them as real). Those soporific five months were great (in actuality, very little sleeping took place during that time)! I wish they could have gone on a lot longer. Unfortunately, the return to the real world was much worse than I expected. Very little has changed and all the changes that did occur in my abscence have not been good. Life was not always perfect in my dream world, but I knew that it not be long before I would have to wake, which made the bad bearable and the good something to be cherished forever. In the real world I do not have that luxury. There is no waking up... just the desire to slip back into my world of make-believe.