Your Mercies in Disguise...

When trials come and difficulties arise, friendships disolve, loved ones pass away, and life seems particularly dark, we often question why. We wonder if there is a reason for it all and we try to make sense of it. For some, life has no purpose, and so good and bad times are just cycles of life that everyone goes through, devoid of rhyme or reason. For the Christian, meaning in life is expected, but sometimes hard to find. I recently heard a song that spoke to this very topic and thought I would share it here:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~ Blessings, by Laura Story

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray to You?
How long must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

~Tenth Avenue North

I wish I could say that I have never felt this way - that I could not possibly relate to these words, but that is so far from the truth. What bothered me more was not the way I could relate, but the way in which I could not. Despite having felt complete dependancy on God, and often crying out in desperation, I don't think I have ever asked Him to "hold my heart." If I had, maybe I wouldn't be here right now. As a child, I was often told to "guard my heart" and other such phrases, but I don't think it ever sunk in. I never really understood what that meant... until it was too late. Or is it? Is it too late to ask God to hold my heart even though I have already given it away? I wonder...

To the Sons and Daughters of our Service Members...

It's been a while since I had to actually listen to the lyrics of a song and type them out. They are usually just available online somewhere, but not this time. But this song (I'll be Brave This Christmas) touched me when I heard it on the radio this morning. I did not grow up a military brat and do not know what it is like to alway wonder where my parents were... they were always safe at home with me. I do, however, know what it is like to love and miss a Soldier who is thousands of miles away. So, for all of the many children out there whose Mom or Dad is overseas this Christmas, my heart goes out to you.

Dear Daddy, I missed you today when Mama unpacked our old Christmas tree,

And that sweet angel never looked so good on top. But my heart felt sad when you weren't you there to lift me.

It's been a while since you went off to fight the war, so this year it won't presents I'll be wishing for.

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

Cuz I'm so proud of you. I hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

I see bright colors light up the Wilson's house, while rockets flash across your evening sky.

We sing carols all over town, while you're living out the cost of peace on earth tonight,

but if another little boy can grow just up up like me living in a land that's safe and free

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

Cuz I'm so proud of you. I hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

Freedom isn't free, and there's a price to pay when duty calls, it takes sacrifice from us all.

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

We're all I'm so proud of you and we hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

~ Big Daddy Weave

The Tragedy of Apathy

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it. ~ George B. Shaw

There is some truth to this quote, but I think there is a third category that is more tragic than the first two. The third is this: to not have any desire. I have seen the apathetic life and at times even experienced it, and it is the saddest of lives.

This past year has held many disappointments for me. I've been forced to give up some dreams. In exchange I've turned to others. But through it all, there has always been something - a reason to keep going - to keep trying to achieve the things just out of reach. Maybe that is why gaining your heart's desire is such a tragedy - there would be nothing left to strive for. Those dreams are what make life worth living.

Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)

So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care

You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care

I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
~ Relient K

Send Me

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began

These broken parts, you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,

I can't put this together but you can

Here I am, Lord send me...

~ Here I Am by Downhere

This song came on the radio this morning and it seemed so applicable to my current situation in life, so I thought I would post some of the lyrics.

Tippy-toes and tipping scales

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

~ Nicole Nordeman

These lyrics have been running through my head for weeks now as I train for a new career and the fear of failure is ever-present, literally waking me in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. The lyrics have taken on new meaning since I found out that I shrunk a half inch. That may not seem like a big deal (and wouldn't have under normal circumstances), but the USMC weight charts are based on height, which means I now have to lose weight to be comfortably within weight standards. Oh the joys of trying to join the few and proud...  =) 

Where is "here"?

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making
might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here

Trust is definitely not something I have an abundance of. I don't trust people, and sometimes I have a hard time trusting God. I can trust Him with the lives and circumstances of others, but not my own. I want to plan out my timeline (patience is also something I lack). Right now nothing I wanted for my life is going according to plan, and I just want it to all somehow make sense. As I was listening to "Suddenly," by Superchick, I was struck by the lyrics and thought, "exactly! That is how I feel right now... If only I could just skip all the in-between and figure out where "here" is..." I guess, in the end, I need a lesson in faith more than I need the other things I have been unsuccessfully chasing. I must confess though, it is a tough lesson to learn. I am so far from there (or "here" as the case may be).

My Only Hope

I am a bit of a Relient K fan (ok, fanatic might be a better word to describe me) and have been listening to some of their songs on Playlist.com (my all-time favorite website... well, maybe second to Google =]) and came across the song entitled, "When I go Down." I had not heard it before yesterday, but decided immediately that I really like the lyrics... they fit how I often feel. Here are some of the words (approx. half of the song):

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
Only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

~ Relient K

Good lyrics (even if the music is like nails on a chalkboard!)

One of my coworkers made me listen to The Fightin' Side of Me, by Merle Haggard today (truth be told, I had never heard of Merle Haggard before today). And while I cannot abide the sound of twangy, country music (and barely made it through the less than 3 minutes of said song), I have to say that this 1970s song, written during the Vietnam War, is one I whole-heartedly agree with:

I hear people talkin' bad,
About the way we have to live here in this country,
Harpin' on the wars we fight,
An' gripin' 'bout the way things oughta be.
An' I don't mind 'em switchin' sides,
An' standin' up for things they believe in.
When they're runnin' down my country, man,
They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Yeah, walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Runnin' down the way of life,
Our fightin' men have fought and died to keep.
If you don't love it, leave it:
Let this song I'm singin' be a warnin'.
If you're runnin' down my country, man,
You're walkin' on the fightin' side of me.

I read about some squirrely guy,
Who claims, he just don't believe in fightin'.
An' I wonder just how long,
The rest of us can count on bein' free.
They love our milk an' honey,
But they preach about some other way of livin'.
When they're runnin' down my country, hoss,
They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me.

Yeah, walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Runnin' down the way of life,
Our fightin' men have fought and died to keep.
If you don't love it, leave it:
Let this song I'm singin' be a warnin'.
If you're runnin' down my country, man,
You're walkin' on the fightin' side of me.

Safe

Knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
always love you
~ Plumb

I was having a rough day last week... seemed like nothing was going quite right, so I turned on the radio and started cleaning my room. The song In My Arms by Plumb came on the Christian station I had on (see lyrics above). I had never heard it before, but I found it very comforting, and more importantly, it was a great reminder to me that I can trust God in the little things because He has always been faithful to me in the big things. I do not think there was a single time while I was in Iraq that I feared for my life. It was like I could feel His presence around me, protecting me. Now that I am back in the States, I think I often forget that He is still always near me, watching over me and keeping me safe in His arms.

Gotta get outta here!

The following are great lyrics (I think - but then again, all I want to do right now is escape it all):

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You to be my escape

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape

Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You...

~ Relient K

The glass is more than half full

I've been too focused on the negative lately (and there is plenty of negative to focus on). The problem is that in looking at the bad, I have been completely ignoring all the great things I have to be thankful for. It struck me today as I was driving from my new apartment back to work in my boss's car. I mean, here I am, on a work day, moving into my new apartment - not only that, but I have a boss who really cares about me and was willing to let me leave for a couple of hours to do that, PLUS use his SUV so I could move my stuff more easily. I have a new great apartment and wonderful flatmate, but I also have AWESOME friends, who have let me store my stuff in their garage and crash at their house until I was able to move. This past month, I have been completely reliant on the hospitality of all my friends in this area.

As I was thinking on all these things, the lyrics to a song I've occasionally heard Grandma sing came to mind...

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that despite the trying times that come my way and the adversity that often seems too close for comfort, my cup is not only full, but as the Psalmist puts it, "my cup runneth over." (Psalm 23)

Ode to Iraq and the desert sand

Five months away
Feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till next month to unpack
Try to forget for a while
That I'm back in DC, on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunrise
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know I said goodbye
...but I wanna see you again

(~ Dido, with some edits from me =P)

Waiting on Tomorrow

I don't want to let my life fly by
Did you ever stop to wonder why?
Ever stop to wonder, wonder why?

And time stands still when no one understands you
When you don't quite understand yourself
But just know this that God is faithful
Even if you don't have faith yourself

Today didn't have to be this way
Tomorrow is another day
Another chance to make things right
A chance to make sense of last night

I don't want to let my life fly by
Do you ever stop, stop to wonder why?

~ MxPx

So far away

I once read a quote by Thoreau that said “Nothing makes Earth seems so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.” It has never been more true to me than it is now. I have too many friends too far away and I just want them home. I want to know they are safe.

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

~ Avril Lavigne

Ancient glass and memories

Walking along the beach today, I noticed a piece of "ancient glass" (for those of you unfamiliar with the term, it is broken glass that has been in the ocean long enough to have lost all it's sharp edges and take on a frosted look). I picked it up and was disappointed that is wasn't all that antient after all, besides, I always collected it for Grandpa and he won't be there when I get home anyway. My eyes filled with tears at the thought of it. I threw the glass aside and continued walking, but as I walked I continued to think of Grandpa and all the fun times we had together at the beach. I decided I wanted that glass after all. I turned around and went in search of it. I did manage to find it again; this time I picked it up and put it in my pocket. When I was little, I thought ancient glass was actually worth something, now I know that the memories are worth more than anything I could possibly collect.

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters, till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was it something you left behind
Don't you remember anything I said when I said:
Don't... leave love bleeding in my hands
~ Fuel

I just want to leave already!

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I'd fly above the trees
Over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please

I want to get away
I want to fly away

~Lenny Kravitz

A thought for all my dear friends and family who are hurting right now

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in my battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

~ Mark Schultz

Wishing I felt the freedom...

Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard
And I'll fail
This is how it's been
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door
And You shouted joyfully
You're not a slave anymore!

You're free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love
'Cause I've given you My love
And it's made you free
I have set you free!

My life be like ooh ah...

The fear of never falling in love
And the tears after losing the feelings
Of what you thought love was
Like the dirt still up under the rug
(My life be like)
Bad characteristics covered in Christ's blood
The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up
The bliss between giving my all and giving up
The highs and lows,
Paths and roads I chose
In the cold I froze
Trying to ease my woes
In this world of sin
Clothes to thin to fend
So to God I send
Words of help to win
In grumblings so deep letters could never express
So the sounds of Ooh Ahh beneath my breath projects

My life be like ooh aah ooh

So why, oh why, do I trip and stumble?
And ooh ahh as commitments crumble?
I can't believe that I'm here again...