There are fates worse than eternal singleness

Yeah. Like that.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray to You?
How long must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

~Tenth Avenue North

I wish I could say that I have never felt this way - that I could not possibly relate to these words, but that is so far from the truth. What bothered me more was not the way I could relate, but the way in which I could not. Despite having felt complete dependancy on God, and often crying out in desperation, I don't think I have ever asked Him to "hold my heart." If I had, maybe I wouldn't be here right now. As a child, I was often told to "guard my heart" and other such phrases, but I don't think it ever sunk in. I never really understood what that meant... until it was too late. Or is it? Is it too late to ask God to hold my heart even though I have already given it away? I wonder...

The Waiting Game

This year has been an exercise in patience for me. I am not a naturally patient individual, and learning to wait on God and His perfect timing has not been an easy lesson for me. Although I know I can trust Him, doubts still linger. I have been in a holding pattern for six months and still the heavens are silent. I do not know what it is I am even waiting for, but I continue to wait. Somedays are harder than others, but God sends me encouragement along the way - today it was in the form of a friend, who is about to set off on a grand adventure. She is leaving for India next month and will be gone for a year. Talking with her over breakfast really helped to put things in perspective for me. And then on the drive home, a song came on the radio that spoke to my heart and reminded me that waiting is not the same as standing still. There are things that God is accomplishing in my life right now and there are things I can be doing to prepare for whatever it is that is coming next.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

Happy New Years!

I just love the Google doodle! It's quite ingenious the way they got the Google and the 2010 in there. Here's to fabulous decade!!! I don't know about you, but I am psyched! =)

But I want it SWEETER!!!

I went to visit a friend the other day. Her adorable children (a 5 year old girl and 3 year old boy)refer to me as "Aunt" even though we are technically not related because she was practically adopted into my family years ago. While I was there, we decided to make chocolate chip cookies (not an easy feat with well-behaved children... but with the little devil that is her son...). Well, it went like this: "go wash your hands." The sound of little feat scampering off is heard, followed by a shriek of "SHE WON'T LET ME WASH MY HANDS!" Once that was resolved we got started... Girl creams butter and sugar together while boy cracks egg... boy mixes egg with butter and sugar while girl measures flour... All the while I am there, supervising.
Boy: "yum! this is gonna be good!"
His Mom: "are you eating the dough? you are allergic to raw egg!"
Boy: "no."
I look over and realize he has added something to the mix. I thought it was baking soda, but when I asked him, he said "no, I just want to make it sweeter." Then it hit me. I knew exactly what he had added... The only other thing that looks like suger: SALT! I picked up the salt bottle, Me: "how much of this did you add?!"
Boy: "two."
Me: "two what?"
Boy: "just two. I wanted to make it sweeter!"
Me: "but that doesn't make it sweeter, it makes it disgusting!!!"
His Mom took the plunge, stuck her finger in the batter, and tasted it. The verdict: VERY SALTY! That was the end of that batch of cookies. We had to dump out the dough and start over again.
I was really irritated. One, because he didn't follow instructions, and two, that all those ingredients had been wasted. But as I thought about the whole scene on my way back home that night, I realized how like my little nephew I can be at times. How often, I fail to follow my heavenly Father's simple instructions because I think that my own way will be "sweeter." I can only imagine how many times He looks at me and says "daughter, I will make it sweet if you follow MY instructions. What you are doing is only going to ruin what could be good."
It may a silly comparison, but it was a good lesson for me.

To the Sons and Daughters of our Service Members...

It's been a while since I had to actually listen to the lyrics of a song and type them out. They are usually just available online somewhere, but not this time. But this song (I'll be Brave This Christmas) touched me when I heard it on the radio this morning. I did not grow up a military brat and do not know what it is like to alway wonder where my parents were... they were always safe at home with me. I do, however, know what it is like to love and miss a Soldier who is thousands of miles away. So, for all of the many children out there whose Mom or Dad is overseas this Christmas, my heart goes out to you.

Dear Daddy, I missed you today when Mama unpacked our old Christmas tree,

And that sweet angel never looked so good on top. But my heart felt sad when you weren't you there to lift me.

It's been a while since you went off to fight the war, so this year it won't presents I'll be wishing for.

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

Cuz I'm so proud of you. I hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

I see bright colors light up the Wilson's house, while rockets flash across your evening sky.

We sing carols all over town, while you're living out the cost of peace on earth tonight,

but if another little boy can grow just up up like me living in a land that's safe and free

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

Cuz I'm so proud of you. I hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

Freedom isn't free, and there's a price to pay when duty calls, it takes sacrifice from us all.

And I'll be brave this Christmas, while you're still far away

And I kneel beside my bed each night praying Jesus keeps you safe

We're all I'm so proud of you and we hope you come home soon

But until you you do, I'll be brave this Christmas.

~ Big Daddy Weave