It is enough that He knows

August 1, 2009 was not exactly a high point in my life. After 9 weeks of the most intense training I had ever been through, I was dropped from USMC OCS and returned to civilian life. I was worn out, physically, emotionally drained, and very unsure of my future. However, I was still confident that God was in control, and as my Father, He wanted what was best for me. I had a great support system of friends and family, who were very understanding. One of my friends texted me as soon as she found out.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

It was meant as an encouragement (and taken that way), but I remember thinking to myself at the time, "well, it is great that He knows, but I would like to be in on the secret as well! It is my future after all." Almost 7 months later, I am very thankful that I was not in on the secret. First of all, if I had known that I would go 6 months without getting a single response from any of the jobs I applied to, I would have been too discouraged to even begin. Second, the waiting time was a great (great in terms of immensity - obviously not a pleasant experience) time of testing for me. During months 1 - 3, my faith was strong. The holiday months were a little harder with their ups and downs, but I was surrounded by my wonderful family, and just felt so blessed with all the non-material things in life that I couldn't be too discouraged. Then January rolled around... A new year, a new start, but I was still stuck in a rut - no change, nothing hopeful on the horizon, still unemployed. That was when the true test came. There were some very dark days (and even darker nights) - far more tears than I would like to admit, and often, my faith was not what I would have thought it would be. But as the saying goes, night is darkest just before the sun rises. Well, the sun is finally shining again, but I hope I do not quickly forget the lessons learned over the last year.

My life is in His hands, and it is ok if I do not know what the future holds.

The Waiting Game

This year has been an exercise in patience for me. I am not a naturally patient individual, and learning to wait on God and His perfect timing has not been an easy lesson for me. Although I know I can trust Him, doubts still linger. I have been in a holding pattern for six months and still the heavens are silent. I do not know what it is I am even waiting for, but I continue to wait. Somedays are harder than others, but God sends me encouragement along the way - today it was in the form of a friend, who is about to set off on a grand adventure. She is leaving for India next month and will be gone for a year. Talking with her over breakfast really helped to put things in perspective for me. And then on the drive home, a song came on the radio that spoke to my heart and reminded me that waiting is not the same as standing still. There are things that God is accomplishing in my life right now and there are things I can be doing to prepare for whatever it is that is coming next.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

But I want it SWEETER!!!

I went to visit a friend the other day. Her adorable children (a 5 year old girl and 3 year old boy)refer to me as "Aunt" even though we are technically not related because she was practically adopted into my family years ago. While I was there, we decided to make chocolate chip cookies (not an easy feat with well-behaved children... but with the little devil that is her son...). Well, it went like this: "go wash your hands." The sound of little feat scampering off is heard, followed by a shriek of "SHE WON'T LET ME WASH MY HANDS!" Once that was resolved we got started... Girl creams butter and sugar together while boy cracks egg... boy mixes egg with butter and sugar while girl measures flour... All the while I am there, supervising.
Boy: "yum! this is gonna be good!"
His Mom: "are you eating the dough? you are allergic to raw egg!"
Boy: "no."
I look over and realize he has added something to the mix. I thought it was baking soda, but when I asked him, he said "no, I just want to make it sweeter." Then it hit me. I knew exactly what he had added... The only other thing that looks like suger: SALT! I picked up the salt bottle, Me: "how much of this did you add?!"
Boy: "two."
Me: "two what?"
Boy: "just two. I wanted to make it sweeter!"
Me: "but that doesn't make it sweeter, it makes it disgusting!!!"
His Mom took the plunge, stuck her finger in the batter, and tasted it. The verdict: VERY SALTY! That was the end of that batch of cookies. We had to dump out the dough and start over again.
I was really irritated. One, because he didn't follow instructions, and two, that all those ingredients had been wasted. But as I thought about the whole scene on my way back home that night, I realized how like my little nephew I can be at times. How often, I fail to follow my heavenly Father's simple instructions because I think that my own way will be "sweeter." I can only imagine how many times He looks at me and says "daughter, I will make it sweet if you follow MY instructions. What you are doing is only going to ruin what could be good."
It may a silly comparison, but it was a good lesson for me.

In His Time

This morning, my former supervisor called to check in on me (he sees me as a daughter - prodigal, though I may be). And he reminded me of something I already know, but somehow lost sight of... God does everything in His own time. He has a plan and a purpose for my life, and sometimes, waiting on Him is the only thing we can do.

With my own future so uncertain, I find myself looking around at everyone else... why do they have a good job? a boyfriend?husband? kids? a house? The list is pretty much endless. When am I going to learn to be happy with the life God has blessed me with? If I could just learn to trust Him and wait on His perfect timing, maybe then I could learn contentment and find the peace that often eludes me.

The Journey Continues

Nine years ago, I was standing on the beach looking back at the footprints I had left in the sand. It was early morning and very cold, so I was the only one out there. As I stared at the footprint, I thought about the path I had taken that brought me to the that place in my life. I wanted to cry. My teen years were gone, the future I envisioned for myself was nowhere near what I wanted, and the only mark I had left in the world were the prints in the sand before me.

So, nine years later, another birthday arrives. I am nowhere near where I expected to be, but I am much more hopeful. Although currently jobless and once again unsure of my future, I am amazed at the ways God has worked in my life. The experiences of the last few years have been more than I ever would have dreamed of. I have been touch by the lives of many, and have in turn touched many lives. I am learning slowly that I can trust God with my life - my future - my hopes and dreams.

Here's to the last year of my 20s... let's hope it's a good one!

Send Me

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began

These broken parts, you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,

I can't put this together but you can

Here I am, Lord send me...

~ Here I Am by Downhere

This song came on the radio this morning and it seemed so applicable to my current situation in life, so I thought I would post some of the lyrics.

Standing on the promises...

This morning as I got up and checked to see what the final results were in yesterday's election, a feeling of foreboding took over. I was pretty sure I knew what to expect and already had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The results were a little worse than I expected, but the outcome was the same. I went to gym and continued with my normal routine. Unfortunately, the TVs were on... the same thing over and over again... people cheering, screaming, laughing crying tears of joy. What can I say? I have never been a good loser. I was irritated and did not want to be happy for them. I headed to the shower, rather depressed and anxious to get away from the news reports, when a song popped into my head. It was hymn I learned as a child:

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.

It got me thinking about God's promises. What are they? Well, one promise is that "He removes kings and sets up kings." (Daniel 2:21) God obviously has a plan for our new president and I suppose I need to keep trusting that God's will is perfect even when (especially when) I can't see the good in it.

Psalm 2
Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?
The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD, and against his anointed, saying, let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.
He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the LORD shall have them in derision.
Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure.
Yet have I set my king upon my holy hill of Zion.
I will declare the decree: the LORD hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee.
Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession.
Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.
Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth.
Serve the LORD with fear, and rejoice with trembling.
Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their trust in him.

Where is "here"?

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making
might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here

Trust is definitely not something I have an abundance of. I don't trust people, and sometimes I have a hard time trusting God. I can trust Him with the lives and circumstances of others, but not my own. I want to plan out my timeline (patience is also something I lack). Right now nothing I wanted for my life is going according to plan, and I just want it to all somehow make sense. As I was listening to "Suddenly," by Superchick, I was struck by the lyrics and thought, "exactly! That is how I feel right now... If only I could just skip all the in-between and figure out where "here" is..." I guess, in the end, I need a lesson in faith more than I need the other things I have been unsuccessfully chasing. I must confess though, it is a tough lesson to learn. I am so far from there (or "here" as the case may be).

Safe

Knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
always love you
~ Plumb

I was having a rough day last week... seemed like nothing was going quite right, so I turned on the radio and started cleaning my room. The song In My Arms by Plumb came on the Christian station I had on (see lyrics above). I had never heard it before, but I found it very comforting, and more importantly, it was a great reminder to me that I can trust God in the little things because He has always been faithful to me in the big things. I do not think there was a single time while I was in Iraq that I feared for my life. It was like I could feel His presence around me, protecting me. Now that I am back in the States, I think I often forget that He is still always near me, watching over me and keeping me safe in His arms.