It was a night of firsts for me, but not in a good way. I experienced things I would have preferred to never experience. Now, I realize that by volunteering to be a firefighter, I signed up to take the bad with the good and to do my best to help the people in my community as they experience these tragedies. First #1: I performed chest compressions on a patient who had gone into cardiac arrest. It was not the feel of her lifeless body beneath my hands, nor the expressionless look on her face - it was not even the nearby paramedics suctioning vomit from her mouth that bothered me. It was the fact that it felt like abuse. Who am I to pound on her chest and demand that she live? It seemed like it would have been more merciful to allow her to pass onto the next life in peace, rather than surrounded by the controlled chaos present in her room that evening. Of course, it is up to the patient to have a DNR in place if they do not want to be revived, so I guess that was what she wanted. It was an eye-opener for me, though. I now know that I want to have a DNR when that time comes.
My second first that night was a suicide. I've known people who later committed suicide, but I had never seen the body after the attempt was made. I didn't feel particularly emotional, but I kept thinking "how does a person get to the point where killing themselves seems like best course of action? or the ONLY course of action left?" I didn't really feel much for the person lying there in front of me, still warm, despite the cold temperature that night, but not breathing. My heart went out to the parents, who found their child in that state. Many parents wonder if they failed - it is most parents' worst fear. These parents didn't have to wonder. There is no second chances. No do-overs. Just regrets that they will live with for the rest of their lives (regardless of who was to blame).
Some days I get to be a hero to a group of girl scouts, getting my picture taken with them and high-fiving. Other days I get to deal with death, up close and personal. In this field, as in many others, there are highs and lows, and everything in between. I am learning to take it all in stride.
