There are fates worse than eternal singleness

Yeah. Like that.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray to You?
How long must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

~Tenth Avenue North

I wish I could say that I have never felt this way - that I could not possibly relate to these words, but that is so far from the truth. What bothered me more was not the way I could relate, but the way in which I could not. Despite having felt complete dependancy on God, and often crying out in desperation, I don't think I have ever asked Him to "hold my heart." If I had, maybe I wouldn't be here right now. As a child, I was often told to "guard my heart" and other such phrases, but I don't think it ever sunk in. I never really understood what that meant... until it was too late. Or is it? Is it too late to ask God to hold my heart even though I have already given it away? I wonder...

The Waiting Game

This year has been an exercise in patience for me. I am not a naturally patient individual, and learning to wait on God and His perfect timing has not been an easy lesson for me. Although I know I can trust Him, doubts still linger. I have been in a holding pattern for six months and still the heavens are silent. I do not know what it is I am even waiting for, but I continue to wait. Somedays are harder than others, but God sends me encouragement along the way - today it was in the form of a friend, who is about to set off on a grand adventure. She is leaving for India next month and will be gone for a year. Talking with her over breakfast really helped to put things in perspective for me. And then on the drive home, a song came on the radio that spoke to my heart and reminded me that waiting is not the same as standing still. There are things that God is accomplishing in my life right now and there are things I can be doing to prepare for whatever it is that is coming next.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait