Regret

In recent years it has been popular to shun regret. I, myself bought into this philosophy, believeing that every experience is a learning experience and therefore a good one. What I have come to realize is that my logic was fatally flawed. While it is true that you can learn from mistakes, that doesn't make the mistake a good experience. It was still a bad choice and a bad experience. I have made some very bad choices over the course of my life, and though it is easier to say "oh, well, it was a learning experience," it would be more beneficial for me to call it what it is - more often than not: sin. Despite what we'd like to believe, regret has its place in our lives. Our culture would like to believe that there is no absolute truth... it's all about perception and how we view things based on our own personal experience. But there was a time when people felt things like shame, and rightfully so. Now, we manage to repress it. Guilt, regret, and shame - things that are meant to help us not repeat bad choices - are now lumped into a category of things that ought never to be felt. If you do admit to having those kinds of feelings, people will tell you that you need to "work through" it. I've come to the conclusion these feelings are the result of a conscience that still knows right from wrong, even if we would like to believe otherwise. Don't deny the feelings... even the tenderest of consciences can become hardened after years of accepting the lie that we ought not regret our bad choices and mistakes. Pain is not always necessary in the pursuit of joy, and at the very least suffering with a clear conscience is better than suffering because of one's own failures.

I miss him so!

There are days I can forget. For years now I have been a couple hundred miles away from where he lived, I was used to not seeing or talking to him on a regular basis, but each time I drive back to the state I still claim as home, I am reminded all over again that he is gone... forever.
The other day I took my scissors out of their case (I had a haircut to do) and quarter dropped out. I knew immediately what it was. I remembered putting it there last summer just before leaving for Iraq. It was a drummer boy quarter. Grandpa always collected them, telling us that someday they would be worth something more than 25 cents. I had put that quarter there so I would remember to give it to Grandpa when I went home next. I'd always cut his hair and he'd tell me what great job I did - that I was much better than his barber. The day I put that quarter in my scissor-case I didn't know I'd never cut his hair again or have the chance to give it to him.
It may seem silly and rather unimportant, but it is the little things - reminders of the things I didn't do or say that make it hardest. There is never a good time to say good-bye, but at least a bad time is better than never being able to say it at all.

If you could, would you?

I have no idea what sparked the conversation topic, but my supervisor asked me if I would do anything differently if I could live my life over. It's not like it's a question I haven't asked myself before, but still, it made me stop and think. I know most people regret not having said or done certain things... I would have to say that my greatest regrets have more to do with things I have said or done and wish I had not. Maybe it is better to just not think about it... but if given the opportunity to redo this past year, I would change a lot. I think that most of my bad decisions stemmed from one decision: to go to Iraq. I'm pretty sure my life would be very different if I had never gone. I would not have had the opportunity to make many of the stupid mistakes I made and would have been available to take a job I wanted, but most importantly, I would have been here for my Grandfather and the rest of my family when they needed me. That is my greatest regret. Knowing what I know now, would I really give it all up? Yeah... as much as I loved my time in Iraq... all the relationships built and amazing things experienced... I think I would.