In the Aftermath

"The sun will continue rising and setting whether or not I pass this exam - though I'd rather it not go on if I fail." ~ Anne of Green Gables

Unfortunately, the earth does not keep from spinning for the sake of one broken heart - or even for the sake of many. When it is the misfortune of others, I sometimes stop and stare in amazement at what they had to go through, or even admiration at their strength, but then I move on and forget. When disaster strikes my own family, it is altogether different. It seems as though life should not be allowed to go on. Why are people posting pictures of family vacations and newborn babies? Don't they know this is a time of mourning?! I realize that is utterly ridiculous and yet, deep down, that is what I feel. It seems the earth should stop its rotation - pause, in a moment of silence for what has been lost. Even as I go through the motions of normal life: getting dressed, driving to work... there is one constant thought... it's gone... it's all gone. The sense of loss is so great, it is literally choking me. Not because I have a great affinity for things, but because I should have been there to share in the loss - because I should have been there to help my family when they needed me. So, as another day dawns across the globe, they remain in a holding pattern, watching as water and fire destoy everything, and I watch from the sidelines, wondering how does one even begin the process of starting over... with nothing?

The Tragedy of Apathy

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it. ~ George B. Shaw

There is some truth to this quote, but I think there is a third category that is more tragic than the first two. The third is this: to not have any desire. I have seen the apathetic life and at times even experienced it, and it is the saddest of lives.

This past year has held many disappointments for me. I've been forced to give up some dreams. In exchange I've turned to others. But through it all, there has always been something - a reason to keep going - to keep trying to achieve the things just out of reach. Maybe that is why gaining your heart's desire is such a tragedy - there would be nothing left to strive for. Those dreams are what make life worth living.

Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)

So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care

You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care

I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
~ Relient K

Life-block

The blogging silence has been a lot longer than I had originally intended. Most of you already know that OCS adventure did not end as expected... I keep thinking about a card that a friend sent me right before I left... it had a picture of a salmon that had fought its way to the top, where a large, brown bear was awaiting its arrival... the subtitle was: "the journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly." That pretty much sums up my 9 week (as opposed to 10 week) OCS experience.

I have now been back for a month and a half, still don't have a job, and haven't a clue what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like I have military in my blood and can't seem to give up the idea... so after spending the first month at the beach, working on my fabulous tan and catching up on my down-with-the-terrorists fiction reading, I find myself checking out Coast Guard and Army websites, and scrolling through civilian positions open in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have sent my resume out all over the place, but I am feeling directionless. And not just as far as work goes... in just about every way. I walk into my room and haven't a clue where to begin straightening it up. I sit down to play my guitar, and the chords just don't come. I open up my journal and stare at the blank page in front of me. I think I have hit a life block. I am not unhappy or upset, just unsure and a little lost. So, if you have read this far and still haven't closed the page out of total boredom (as I probably would have), please say a prayer for me - pray that I will figure out where to go next, and in the meantime, to patiently trust God with my future.

The oft' blurred lines 'twixt living and dreaming

I'm not usually much of a dreamer, but maybe that is because I am not much of a sleeper. Lately, however, being as sick as I've been, I have become both. My dreams are very interesting though because they are just a better version of reality. My real life pretty much consists of running, working out in the gym, trying to get a better score on my PFT, and studying for the ASTB to get into flight school. In my dreams I take muliple PFTs per night and am able to complete the 70 second flexed arm hang with energy to spare; I am a super-star on the O-course; and last night, I was even a very talented fighter-pilot. The only problem with these dreams is that they are exhausting! When I wake up, I am tense and sore... definitely NOT ready to start a new day. At the same time, these dreams encourage me. I keep thinking that if I just keep up what I am doing in my current reality, maybe those things will become reality too. I know these are not the dreams of most girls, but I never was "most girls." And it's my dream.

Living the dream

I'm sure my life is not the dream life for many people, but it's like a dream come true for me. On the days when I have a spare moment to reflect on all that I have done and all that I am doing, I have to smile to myself and thank God for all that He has blessed me with.

My life be like ooh ah...

The fear of never falling in love
And the tears after losing the feelings
Of what you thought love was
Like the dirt still up under the rug
(My life be like)
Bad characteristics covered in Christ's blood
The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up
The bliss between giving my all and giving up
The highs and lows,
Paths and roads I chose
In the cold I froze
Trying to ease my woes
In this world of sin
Clothes to thin to fend
So to God I send
Words of help to win
In grumblings so deep letters could never express
So the sounds of Ooh Ahh beneath my breath projects

My life be like ooh aah ooh

So why, oh why, do I trip and stumble?
And ooh ahh as commitments crumble?
I can't believe that I'm here again...