In the Aftermath

"The sun will continue rising and setting whether or not I pass this exam - though I'd rather it not go on if I fail." ~ Anne of Green Gables

Unfortunately, the earth does not keep from spinning for the sake of one broken heart - or even for the sake of many. When it is the misfortune of others, I sometimes stop and stare in amazement at what they had to go through, or even admiration at their strength, but then I move on and forget. When disaster strikes my own family, it is altogether different. It seems as though life should not be allowed to go on. Why are people posting pictures of family vacations and newborn babies? Don't they know this is a time of mourning?! I realize that is utterly ridiculous and yet, deep down, that is what I feel. It seems the earth should stop its rotation - pause, in a moment of silence for what has been lost. Even as I go through the motions of normal life: getting dressed, driving to work... there is one constant thought... it's gone... it's all gone. The sense of loss is so great, it is literally choking me. Not because I have a great affinity for things, but because I should have been there to share in the loss - because I should have been there to help my family when they needed me. So, as another day dawns across the globe, they remain in a holding pattern, watching as water and fire destoy everything, and I watch from the sidelines, wondering how does one even begin the process of starting over... with nothing?

On Fathers and Daughters

It's often been said that a daughter marries a man who is similar to her father. Growing up, I didn't believe it. But as I watch my friends get married, it is funny how often that is the case. My friends whose fathers are engineers tend to go for the engineer types, those with fairly authoritarian fathers seem to go for men with strong personalities. And for myself, I tend to go for the cocky, guitar-playing types.

Even for fathers and daughters who do not share a close relationship, there is a bond there that though undeniable is hard to describe. The older I get, the more I see this in my own life. While my Mom is the one I would like to emulate, it is my Dad that I tend to see in myself. It's in the little things... he was a runner, I like to run. When things aren't going well, he turns to his guitar, I do too. He is super-messy, and as much as I hate to admit it, so am I. His sense of smell is keener than most - things like the lingering scent of soap on dishes drives him crazy, I also suffer from this. There are a number of other things that come to mind, but it would take too long to list them all here.

All that to say, I find it very interesting the way God made fathers and daughters. I often don't appreciate my Dad. And lately I've been thinking that I shouldn't take him for granted, instead, I should enjoy the common interests and eccentricities we do share.

Last week, when I was still miserable about the move to a new office and I was complaining about everything and anything, I declared "there is no Christmas here" to a co-worker who was rather appalled by my statement. I was determined to be angry. Life was not fair, I didn't want to be here, and I hated this country! However, I still missed Christmas songs and found myself singing them in the shower one day.

This was the time of year
I had my family near
But they've all gone and I have been so lonely…

Seemed fitting… I could certainly relate with the song's sentiment this year…

Oh Emmanuel, God with us
Spirit revealed in us
That we may be your hope to the world
Oh Emmanuel, God with us
With a light to break the darkness
That we may show your hope to the world
Emmanuel, God with us

Hmmm… It suddenly hit me that my attitude was totally off. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I was not where I wanted to be, and that I was not with family or friends, I should be thankful, that Christ left His Father, came from perfection, and came here to earth as Emmanuel (God with us!). It's a story I've been told since before I can remember and yet it is easy to forget when I focus on all the little things in my life

Oh Emmanuel, be God with us…