It is enough that He knows

August 1, 2009 was not exactly a high point in my life. After 9 weeks of the most intense training I had ever been through, I was dropped from USMC OCS and returned to civilian life. I was worn out, physically, emotionally drained, and very unsure of my future. However, I was still confident that God was in control, and as my Father, He wanted what was best for me. I had a great support system of friends and family, who were very understanding. One of my friends texted me as soon as she found out.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

It was meant as an encouragement (and taken that way), but I remember thinking to myself at the time, "well, it is great that He knows, but I would like to be in on the secret as well! It is my future after all." Almost 7 months later, I am very thankful that I was not in on the secret. First of all, if I had known that I would go 6 months without getting a single response from any of the jobs I applied to, I would have been too discouraged to even begin. Second, the waiting time was a great (great in terms of immensity - obviously not a pleasant experience) time of testing for me. During months 1 - 3, my faith was strong. The holiday months were a little harder with their ups and downs, but I was surrounded by my wonderful family, and just felt so blessed with all the non-material things in life that I couldn't be too discouraged. Then January rolled around... A new year, a new start, but I was still stuck in a rut - no change, nothing hopeful on the horizon, still unemployed. That was when the true test came. There were some very dark days (and even darker nights) - far more tears than I would like to admit, and often, my faith was not what I would have thought it would be. But as the saying goes, night is darkest just before the sun rises. Well, the sun is finally shining again, but I hope I do not quickly forget the lessons learned over the last year.

My life is in His hands, and it is ok if I do not know what the future holds.

10 days and counting...

I got the official offer letter today. I pick up the U-Haul truck tomorrow. I leave for home (as in, where my family lives) the day after tomorrow. Once all my earthly goods are securely stowed away in my old bedroom, and I have said my farewells to my family, I will come back here for a day of training and then promptly leave the country. I really have no idea what internet will be like over there... not sure if I will have connectivity at all outside of the office. I hope to keep updating the blog, but really, who knows what to expect.

There is so much more I would like to say, but right now, I still have to finish packing (72 hours just isn't enough time to pack up one's life!).

Another grand adventure is about to begin!

Like a Mustard Seed...

Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by God's graciousness to me! It was only a couple of days ago that I was disappointed that I would not be getting the job I wanted. Today, I was not only offered that very job, but only hours later, an even better one!

I cannot help but feel like Job, who when confronted with the omnipotency and omniscience of God, is humbled into silence. Oh, that I would be silent more often and not question God's authority!

I know my faith is often weak, but in my weakness, He shows Himself strong. And despite my faithlessness, He proves Himself faithful. It is at moments like these that I am so thankful for a God who is willing to use faith as small as a mustard seed.

Remembering Nanny

On this day 109 years ago, my great-grandmother was born. Her name was Amy, but to her many grandchildren and great-grandchildren, she was simply, "Nanny" or "Nan." The most kind-hearted woman I have ever known, she will forever be a role model for me. She lived to 92. I feel so blessed to have had to chance to know Nanny. She spent every summer of my childhood with us here in the north and then migrated to Florida in the winter. One of the most memorable weeks of my childhood is the one my cousins and I spent in Florida with Nanny - picking oranges and grapefruit right off the tree, singing for her friends (we were used to performing on demand), playing the number game... the list goes on and on.

Her life was not an easy one, and yet she lived it with such grace. I'm not sure I will ever come near to becoming the godly woman that she was, but it is something I can strive for. She went to be with the Lord almost 17 years ago, but her memory will remain with me forever.

I love you, Nanny!

Hypocrisy Exposed

Thy Word is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path... Psalm 119:105

A friend of mine recently told me that we have to walk in the light we are given. If we are given guidance and turn from it, we can't expect to be given more. While I know this to be true, I have not been living this way. I said I was asking for guidance, but what I was really asking for was that the light would shine in a different direction. I wanted a specific job, a specific guy - and I prayed about these things, but I am realizing that I did not want direction. I wanted affirmation - a celestial smile of approval that would allow me to move forward. Well, it never came. It looks like I will not be getting the job I had hoped for. The guy... well, I think I knew from the moment we met, that it would never work. And me? Well, I am trying to come to terms with reality - the reality of my own failures and shortcomings, and the reality that seeking God's will for my life is more than wishing on a shooting star. I need to be honest with myself and realize that the happiness that comes from walking in the light is not necessarily the happiness of fulfilled desires. Sometimes our desires are met... and sometimes they are transformed... to mirror His promises. So, for the time being I am trying to find my way back to the lit path (stumbling around in the dark is getting old).

A Prince Among Men, and Charming too!

There are those individuals you meet in life, who are almost redemption for all the rest of the people you have to deal with on a daily basis. I often have a hard time thinking well of men. I feel like every time I turn around I am faced with another loser man doing what you would expect loser men to do... everything from standing up a sweet girl, to beating up a girlfriend within an inch of her life, to cheating on his wife, or abandoning his children without a thought of ever paying child support. Yes, I have met men like this... far too often. These are the things that make me cynical (if I am indeed cynical as I have often been accused).

But every time I talk with my sister and hear about her sweetest of all men, my faith in the male gender is renewed (that is NOT to say I trust men, but at least I know there are good ones out there). I could not have found a better guy for my sister if I had tried. If perfection existed, I think he just might be it. He is gentle and kind. He was patient when she wouldn't give him the time of day (he was interested in her months before she came around... and I sat back and watched, rooting for him). And there is just a sweetness about him. Every time I see them together, his adoration for her is so evident... I could not be more thrilled for them both!