The Curse of Empathy

Heartless is not an attribute I would want for myself, but sometimes I think there has got to be a middle ground between that and where I am. I have certainly experienced times of absolute apathy. I am sure there is nothing worse than that – the inability to feel at all is something I would wish on no one. I believe apathy is depression’s closest friend. It does not feel pain, but fails to see a need for existence. Once the desire to live is gone, the struggle to live ends. I know people like this… it is almost hard to describe such a one as actually living at all… they are more like dead men, walking.
Now empathy is the exact opposite of apathy. You might be thinking that if apathy is the worst of all possible experiences, then empathy, being it’s opposite, would be the best. But I can tell you from experience that is not the case. They are merely opposite ends of a spectrum, in which “ideal” lands somewhere in the middle. If apathy feels nothing, empathy feels EVERYTHING… the ability to feel the joy, and even more so, the pain of others so acutely, it might as well be your own. I can’t even count the number of times I have lain awake in bed, tears streaming down my cheeks as I pray for my friends and family. This last month has been particularly hard, partially because I am so far away from the ones I love and completely unable to help them in any tangible way, and partially because it has been a particularly difficult month for so many of my friends and family members. It seems like each day brings more news of depression and suicidal thoughts, of heartache and loss, of families falling apart, and the loneliness that accompanies it all. I pray and pray and yet the pain and sorrow seems to increase. This morning I got on Facebook and read a note that one of friends my friends wrote about her cousin, who just died in a car accident this week. I’ve never met the young man, whose life was ended so suddenly, but in reading my friend’s words, her pain was so real to me, I couldn’t hold back the tears.
When I got to my office this morning, I found myself singing a song I hadn’t heard in years:

When the weight of the world is on my shoulders
And my branches are broken,
I will remember you…
Oh, Lord, my God, You walk beside me
Through my laughter, the tears…

And it suddenly struck me that although I was praying for all these people, I have still been trying to carrying the weight of it all around with me rather than “casting my cares on Him who cares for me.” Christ knows what it is to carry the weight of the world on his shoulder… He carried not only the pain, but actually paid the consequence of all our sin on the cross, bearing OUR shame so that WE might be found guiltless before God. What an amazing thought!
It doesn’t change the fact that I feel the pain of others, but a dose of perspective goes a long way. The cross I bear is so insignificant compared to His cross and the pain HE bore for ME.

Déjävu... all over again

Memories are odd things and flash-backs are even stranger to me. I find that the more I travel, the more it happens. I will walk down a street or through a corridor that seems oddly familiar and suddenly I can see in my mind’s eye, an entire story play out - a story I lived once upon a time. Sometimes I am conscious of it… other times it is there, but less obvious - sort of de' ja vu.

I realized the other day that I have spent a lot of time in the Atlanta airport, more than seems appropriate, seeing as I’ve never lived near Atlanta. On Friday, I was on the escalator, heading to the rental car place when I was suddenly seized with a desire to take off running for gate B12. It took me a second to remember the whole incident, but the memory came back all too vividly. It was the summer of 2007. I had been stuck at the Glynco jetport for hours, thinking I would get stuck there overnight and miss a family celebration back at home. The storms passed and I was able to get the only flight out that day, but was told if was very unlikely that I would make the connecting flight in Atlanta. I was pretty determined to get home that night. I prayed the whole way and ran like the wind through the airport, making record time and arriving at gate B12 just as they were about to close the door. They let me on - I was the last passenger to enter the fully-booked flight.

Upon reaching the lower level, I picked up my pace, quickly walking through the terminal and was suddenly transformed into a 16-year-old girl in a floral and lace dress, carrying a suitcase and a pillow. It was the first time I was striking out on my own - I did not yet own a rolling suitcase, so I was quickly tiring of carrying my heavy baggage, and while excited, was very apprehensive as I tried to figure out the maze that was this massive airport. The tram was being built (or maybe just renovated), so I had to walk the whole way. It took me almost a half hour to walk from one end of the airport to the other (it always seems to work out that my connecting flight are always on the opposite end from the gate where the first plane pulls in - that much has remained the same for me over the years).

This walk through memory lane continued as I followed signs for the exit. I saw shops and kiosks that I remembered seeing through tears that blurred my vision as I had tried to hold back the emotions that choked me only months earlier when I wanted more than anything to return west to the Soldier I had just left - a boy I loved more than life itself and yet wondered if I’d ever see again in this life.

Each memory was so vivid, and yet so different from one another and from this current journey. What does it all mean? Nothing, really. Having been thinking of these times gone by, re-living them, even, I thought I’d write about it because it’s what my mind keeps returning to. Writing helps me put things away on some mental shelf and move on.

Regret

In recent years it has been popular to shun regret. I, myself bought into this philosophy, believeing that every experience is a learning experience and therefore a good one. What I have come to realize is that my logic was fatally flawed. While it is true that you can learn from mistakes, that doesn't make the mistake a good experience. It was still a bad choice and a bad experience. I have made some very bad choices over the course of my life, and though it is easier to say "oh, well, it was a learning experience," it would be more beneficial for me to call it what it is - more often than not: sin. Despite what we'd like to believe, regret has its place in our lives. Our culture would like to believe that there is no absolute truth... it's all about perception and how we view things based on our own personal experience. But there was a time when people felt things like shame, and rightfully so. Now, we manage to repress it. Guilt, regret, and shame - things that are meant to help us not repeat bad choices - are now lumped into a category of things that ought never to be felt. If you do admit to having those kinds of feelings, people will tell you that you need to "work through" it. I've come to the conclusion these feelings are the result of a conscience that still knows right from wrong, even if we would like to believe otherwise. Don't deny the feelings... even the tenderest of consciences can become hardened after years of accepting the lie that we ought not regret our bad choices and mistakes. Pain is not always necessary in the pursuit of joy, and at the very least suffering with a clear conscience is better than suffering because of one's own failures.

13.9 days of kissing?!?!

That dumb gum commercial about how "most people spend 20,000 minutes of their lives kissing" made me wonder what 20,000 minutes computes to in real world time... the answer is: 13.9 days... almost 2 WEEKS!!! Maybe it's just because I am not most people, but I cannot imagine that I will ever be able to say that I spent 2 weeks of my life kissing! Or that I would want to...

Radio Silence

I know it has been a while since I have updated my blog... I will probably be posting to this one much less over the coming year. I do have another blog (it is less public - more for friends and family). If I have not already given you the link, feel free to email/message me, and I will send you the link.

This is Island Girl, signing off...

It's the Little Things

A friend of mine always responds to questions with "in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?" His question got me thinking, because I think the answer is yes. They may seem unimportant, but by the same token you could say any one life is insignificant when compared to the multitudes out there. You could say that the things that one breaking heart or one rejoicing soul is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but Jesus said that not a sparrow could fall from the sky without the notice of God. If He is concerned with little things, isn't it appropriate that we be as well? I have always found beauty in the little things. Yes, a sunrise can be spectacular, crashing waves, awe-inspiring, and places like the Grand Canyon, well, beyond description. But what about a raindrop on a flower petal, or the little fingers and toes of newborn, or the simple touch of the one you love? Are these things insignificant or unworthy of our attention merely because they are small and fail to stand out in the grand scheme of things? Maybe I am a bit on the sentimental side, but I think it is the little things that make life beautiful.

It Don't Gitmo Better!

Since everything moved so quickly, and I went from "unemployed" to "out of the country" in under two weeks, many of you are still wondering what happened. So, here it is... the latest of the many crazy stories that make up my life:
I attended a job fair at the end of January. While there, I met quite a few people who were looking for someone like me (i.e. an analyst, who is willing to go anywhere at a moment's notice, and particularly wants to go to Iraq or Afghanistan). One contract company that stood out to me was one with an open position in GTMO. I had actually not considered Guantanamo Bay prior to that, but when he told me about what the position entailed, it sounded ideal. I gave him a copy of my resume and he gave me his business card so I send it him an electronic version. I got home an hour later, got online to send out my resume to handful of email addresses I had collected at the job fair. All the business cards were right where I left them (in the folder I had with me) except for the one for the GTMO position. I was really upset about it, but after trying several different ways off getting the recruiter's contact info, I gave up and assumed it was just not meant to be. In the meantime, I was talking to a contract company that wanted to send me to Iraq, and I was scheduling interviews with some of the other companies. The snow storm delayed two of the interviews, so the week after all the snow, I had interviews almost every day. That Thursday morning, just before heading off to one of the interviews, the company, whose business card I had lost, called me!!! I was totally shocked. They asked me to come it on Friday to talk about the position in GTMO. Friday morning , before I left, I was offered the Iraq position. I still continued on my way. Despite being an hour late for the interview (due to the lovely traffic in this area) I was offered the job on the spot, and I promptly accepted. When I returned home that afternoon, I was offered the job from Thursday's interview, which I turned down (btw, I also turned down the Iraq position that afternoon). I stayed up until 0300 that night (or morning) packing up my stuff. I continued packing until Tuesday night. With much help from a couple of friends, I got all my earthly belongings into a Budget truck and off I went. Everything is being stored in my Mom's garage. And I will be down in the Caribbean for the next year with 4 card board boxes filled with clothes (think xerox paper size), a suit case, my electric guitar, and an amp (got all the important things covered!). =) That's pretty much it - oh, and then I was offered a position in Afghanistan that Saturday (I'm telling you, when it rains, it POURS!!!).

I will try to keep y'all updated... it will all depend on connectivity and the amount of free time I have to blog.

It is enough that He knows

August 1, 2009 was not exactly a high point in my life. After 9 weeks of the most intense training I had ever been through, I was dropped from USMC OCS and returned to civilian life. I was worn out, physically, emotionally drained, and very unsure of my future. However, I was still confident that God was in control, and as my Father, He wanted what was best for me. I had a great support system of friends and family, who were very understanding. One of my friends texted me as soon as she found out.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

It was meant as an encouragement (and taken that way), but I remember thinking to myself at the time, "well, it is great that He knows, but I would like to be in on the secret as well! It is my future after all." Almost 7 months later, I am very thankful that I was not in on the secret. First of all, if I had known that I would go 6 months without getting a single response from any of the jobs I applied to, I would have been too discouraged to even begin. Second, the waiting time was a great (great in terms of immensity - obviously not a pleasant experience) time of testing for me. During months 1 - 3, my faith was strong. The holiday months were a little harder with their ups and downs, but I was surrounded by my wonderful family, and just felt so blessed with all the non-material things in life that I couldn't be too discouraged. Then January rolled around... A new year, a new start, but I was still stuck in a rut - no change, nothing hopeful on the horizon, still unemployed. That was when the true test came. There were some very dark days (and even darker nights) - far more tears than I would like to admit, and often, my faith was not what I would have thought it would be. But as the saying goes, night is darkest just before the sun rises. Well, the sun is finally shining again, but I hope I do not quickly forget the lessons learned over the last year.

My life is in His hands, and it is ok if I do not know what the future holds.

10 days and counting...

I got the official offer letter today. I pick up the U-Haul truck tomorrow. I leave for home (as in, where my family lives) the day after tomorrow. Once all my earthly goods are securely stowed away in my old bedroom, and I have said my farewells to my family, I will come back here for a day of training and then promptly leave the country. I really have no idea what internet will be like over there... not sure if I will have connectivity at all outside of the office. I hope to keep updating the blog, but really, who knows what to expect.

There is so much more I would like to say, but right now, I still have to finish packing (72 hours just isn't enough time to pack up one's life!).

Another grand adventure is about to begin!

Like a Mustard Seed...

Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by God's graciousness to me! It was only a couple of days ago that I was disappointed that I would not be getting the job I wanted. Today, I was not only offered that very job, but only hours later, an even better one!

I cannot help but feel like Job, who when confronted with the omnipotency and omniscience of God, is humbled into silence. Oh, that I would be silent more often and not question God's authority!

I know my faith is often weak, but in my weakness, He shows Himself strong. And despite my faithlessness, He proves Himself faithful. It is at moments like these that I am so thankful for a God who is willing to use faith as small as a mustard seed.

Remembering Nanny

On this day 109 years ago, my great-grandmother was born. Her name was Amy, but to her many grandchildren and great-grandchildren, she was simply, "Nanny" or "Nan." The most kind-hearted woman I have ever known, she will forever be a role model for me. She lived to 92. I feel so blessed to have had to chance to know Nanny. She spent every summer of my childhood with us here in the north and then migrated to Florida in the winter. One of the most memorable weeks of my childhood is the one my cousins and I spent in Florida with Nanny - picking oranges and grapefruit right off the tree, singing for her friends (we were used to performing on demand), playing the number game... the list goes on and on.

Her life was not an easy one, and yet she lived it with such grace. I'm not sure I will ever come near to becoming the godly woman that she was, but it is something I can strive for. She went to be with the Lord almost 17 years ago, but her memory will remain with me forever.

I love you, Nanny!

Hypocrisy Exposed

Thy Word is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path... Psalm 119:105

A friend of mine recently told me that we have to walk in the light we are given. If we are given guidance and turn from it, we can't expect to be given more. While I know this to be true, I have not been living this way. I said I was asking for guidance, but what I was really asking for was that the light would shine in a different direction. I wanted a specific job, a specific guy - and I prayed about these things, but I am realizing that I did not want direction. I wanted affirmation - a celestial smile of approval that would allow me to move forward. Well, it never came. It looks like I will not be getting the job I had hoped for. The guy... well, I think I knew from the moment we met, that it would never work. And me? Well, I am trying to come to terms with reality - the reality of my own failures and shortcomings, and the reality that seeking God's will for my life is more than wishing on a shooting star. I need to be honest with myself and realize that the happiness that comes from walking in the light is not necessarily the happiness of fulfilled desires. Sometimes our desires are met... and sometimes they are transformed... to mirror His promises. So, for the time being I am trying to find my way back to the lit path (stumbling around in the dark is getting old).

A Prince Among Men, and Charming too!

There are those individuals you meet in life, who are almost redemption for all the rest of the people you have to deal with on a daily basis. I often have a hard time thinking well of men. I feel like every time I turn around I am faced with another loser man doing what you would expect loser men to do... everything from standing up a sweet girl, to beating up a girlfriend within an inch of her life, to cheating on his wife, or abandoning his children without a thought of ever paying child support. Yes, I have met men like this... far too often. These are the things that make me cynical (if I am indeed cynical as I have often been accused).

But every time I talk with my sister and hear about her sweetest of all men, my faith in the male gender is renewed (that is NOT to say I trust men, but at least I know there are good ones out there). I could not have found a better guy for my sister if I had tried. If perfection existed, I think he just might be it. He is gentle and kind. He was patient when she wouldn't give him the time of day (he was interested in her months before she came around... and I sat back and watched, rooting for him). And there is just a sweetness about him. Every time I see them together, his adoration for her is so evident... I could not be more thrilled for them both!

Winter Olympics: 2010

Ok, let me just begin by saying, after the Beijing Opening Ceremony I did not think another country could compete, but I have to admit, Canada impressed me! Vancouver did a FABULOUS job!!! It was one of the BEST Opening Ceremonies I have EVER seen. Vancouver has won my undying admiration. It was a spectacular show by any standard. The use of light, pyrotechnics, digital imagery, and other modern technology, created a surreal atmosphere in the olympic arena. David Atkins is a genius! Granted, this is coming from someone who was watching from the comfort of her living room couch, but I can only imagine how much more fantastic it was for those actually present! One of the highlights for me was near the beginning, when it looked like there were whales, swimming beneath the surface of the ice - complete with water (or some equivalent) bursting from the floor like blow holes. Of course, being a fan of Sarah McLachlan, I also enjoyed the the whole "tree" segment. And then there were the snow boarders and skiers, suspended over a sheet mountain... honestly, I just really loved the whole thing.

I should probably admit my bias here. I am, and have always been, a huge fan of the Olympics. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when my Mom was pregnant with me, she watched the 1980 Winter (Lake Placid - in my home state!) and Summer (Moscow) Olympics (she even came up with my name during the gymnastics... I guess you could say, I was named after a gymnast)... or maybe it was that watching the Olympics (both Summer and Winter) was a family event growing up.

Vancouver did have its share of troubles... Nothing goes off without a hitch, even a production costing upwards of $40 million. In this case it was a hydraulic system malfunction. Unfortunately, Vancouver's hitch came at a most inopportune time: the lighting of the torch - the single most important event of the opening ceremonies. One of the four pillars failed to rise, resulting in a stranded torch-bearer, holding a flame and having nothing to light. Poor Catriona LeMay Doan. =( Despite that little mishap, I think the media is making too big a deal out of it. The torch was lit, the games continue. The end... or the beginning.

It was a shock to no one that Wayne Gretzky would be one of the torch-bearers, in a country where ice hockey rules. Even one of the American ice hockey competitors was asked to guess who would carry the final flame of the 2010 games, and he named Gretzky as the "safe bet."

This year, there were a couple of traditions I picked up on that I had never noticed before.

1. Greece always leads the Parade of Nations since the Ancient Olympics games originated in Greece, and the first of the modern Olympic games was hosted by Greece in 1896.

2. The host nation enters last.

Interesting Facts:

1. No South American country has ever medaled in the Winter Olympics

2. Canada is America's largest oil importer

3. Iceland has the northernmost capitol in the world and yet has never medaled in a Winter Olympics

4. Iran brought its first female to represent at a Winter Olympics (alpine skiing)

5. 82 countries are represented at the 2010 Olympics

6. 2638 athletes arrived in Vancouver to compete in the 2010 Olympics

7. 215 of the athletes are representing the United States, surpassing Canada's 206

8. In Torino, Italy, (2006) Germany won the most medals (the US came in second and Canada was third). This year, Canada does not want to be shown up on their own turf. =)

Most touching/memorable moment:

The world gave a standing ovation in the arena as Georgia entered to honor the luge athlete, Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died on the luge track earlier in the day.

Missing Countries:

Afghanistan

Iraq

Most of the African countries

Trinidad (I guess they don't have any bob-sledders left)

There were many more missing, but these are the ones I noticed

Well, that was a great start to a great tradition. Let the games begin!!!

Oui, Oui!

Thanks to the seemingly unending snow, I have spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen. One of the things I decided to tackle was French Onion Soup. I had never tried it before, but we had a bag of onions and left over beef stock in the fridge, so it seemed like a good idea. I looked up several different recipes and realized that they all called for some kind of wine or sherry. Since we had neither in the house, we made an emergency trip to Trader Joe's in the storm, picked up some white wine and French baguettes (also got some fire wood while we were out), and I was set. The whole process took a little longer than I had expected (2 hours in all), but it was more than worth it! There is really nothing better than some hot soup, a fire, and a good movie to help weather a blizzard! =)

To Have or to Have Not

Rejection at any age hurts. In grammar school, it's being picked last in a team sport. In high school it is not being asked to the dance... or worse, being politely (or maybe not so politely) declined. As an adult (at least for most girls), it is being alone on Valentine's Day. It seems ridiculous. Most even-headed single girls, who are not out there in search of a guy merely to have a guy, are fairly content with where they are, hoping that someday Mr. Right will materialize, but not willing to settle for something less. Even these girls seem to lose their wits when February rolls around. They look around and all they see is couples... it seems like the whole world is paired off... well, almost the whole world. And suddenly, being alone on that one day of the year seems like a fate worse than death (yes, I do speak from experience). I was thinking about this as I watched yet another e-harmony commercial, and suddenly, the answer seemed so simple. It is like childhood all over again... like sitting alone at lunch, or not having anyone to play with at recess. It is not the being alone part, it is the fact that there are other people around and yet they don't want to be with YOU. It's rarely personal, but we see it that way just the same. It is rejection in yet another form... a social snub. Others want to be with someone, but that someone is just not you.

Well, here is a challenge, girls (and guys), instead of feeling sorry for yourself, look around. There are other people out there who are alone - people who feel rejected... reach out to those people and be that someone who wants to spend time with them. Make them feel loved and wanted. Because, let's be honest... we all just want to feel like we belong sometimes.

A Winter for the History Books

As a lover of history, I have always wanted to be in the middle of a historical event. What I am quickly learning is that history is more romantic in hind-sight. Once you can look back and analyze what happened, how it happened, and the events that led to it, it is exciting - it is history. Until that point, it is simply life. I have been a part of historical events. I have witnessed some amazing things, but they passed by quickly and their significance only dawned on me after the fact. Now, we are in the middle of the craziest winter this area has ever seen, and all I can think about is the fact that I am going stir crazy! I just want the snow to end. I want to be able to come and go as I please, without having to deal with digging my car out or bundle up in snow gear. It may be historical - momentous, even - but I am ready for it to be over...

Master of the Kitchen... if not My Destiny

A girl, happily in love, burns the souffle. A girl, unhappily in love, forgets to turn the oven on. ..~ Baron St. Fontanel in the 1954 version of Sabrina

I always found that quote to be amusing, though I have to question its accuracy, seeing as I burn just about everything and have NEVER been happily in love. The part that I find amusing, is that either way, she finds herself in the kitchen. Maybe it is because the movies is from the 1950s and that is where women were expected to be. But I would rather think that it is a normal to let emotions find their outlet in creative, culinary way. I can't even remember how many times life has driven me into the kitchen. It is where I find released. It is where I feel I have some control when everything else seems absurd. Maybe I am odd... but I would rather believe it is normal.

The Day After Snowmageddon

Now that the sun is back out and blindingly reflecting off the newly-fallen snow, I couldn't help but go out and get more pictures!

Old Town looks fabulous... you can even see the Masonic Temple off in the distance

The colors on the store fronts looked so vibrant under snow-covered roofs, complete with crystal-like icicles hanging from the eaves

There were quite a few cars out, but as you can see, even Washington Blvd. looks fairly quiet, even for a Sunday morning


I am a fan of churches with steeples, and in the snow, this one was just too pretty to not take a picture of!


This car obviously needs some help...


but not as much as this one...

or this one...

Some Desires are Better Left Unmet

While walking along, I could not help but notice the abundance of couples. The were everywhere I turned... under snow-covered branches...

under umbrellas...

walking their dogs...

yeah... just about everywhere. It made me kinda miss a certain person and wish he were out there with me, enjoying this winter wonderland - that is until I noticed a lady with her crazy uncontrollable dog. I thought to myself, "that does NOT look like fun. If I had a dog like that, I'm not sure I would take him for walks." That got me thinking about how we all look at the good things and want them (like lady probably saw people walking their well-behaved dog and decided she wanted one), but sometimes reality doesn't turn out like that. Not that I am comparing that certain someone to a dog, but I know that if he were actually there with me, it would not be like the cute couples I saw around me. I would probably be running for my life, dodging snowballs, or trying not get pushed into the nearest snow drift. I would be like the lady with the crazy dog wondering why I thought that was a good idea. Such is life for some of us. =P

They call it "the Blizzard of 2010," but I call it...

BEAUTIFUL!!!

After we cleared the walkway and dug out the cars (not that we will be taking them anywhere soon!), I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood and see how the snow had transformed this already adorable town.

Old Town was seriously made for snow. All the quaint light-posts and old fashioned store fronts just looked like something straight out of a Christmas card.

There were a lot of people out on King St. I was a little surprised, but I guess they were all as tired of being cooped up as I was. There were people cross-country skiing, dog walkers out with their canine companions, families, towing little ones behind on sleds, couples holding gloved hands, enjoying the glittering ambience of whiteness that had descended overnight. Everyone was in a good mood, myself included. Despite my self-proclaimed hatred of the cold, I could not help but be mesmerized by the beauty surrounding me. Simply too beautiful for words.

This one cracked me up! Someone went to a LOT of work to dig out this Mini Cooper... I'm not sure why, though, because it is not like it is gonna go ANYWHERE on roads like this! =P

Once again, the beauty of the snow on the branches above me left me completely and utter speechless (quite the fete!)

When it Rains it Pours!

Or so they say... I guess today, it is more like "when it snows, it blizzards." In any case, I am using the term metaphorically as it was intended.

Unemployment has lasted much longer than I ever expected. I have entered my seventh month of sloth and lack of income. Some days are harder than others, but the Lord always provides. Until the last 2 weeks, the entire time of job searching was as unrewarding as it could possibly be - not a single phone call or email response, no less an interview for all the hundreds of resumes I submitted! Silence. The cold shoulder. I felt very unwanted. But those days are now over. I have had one interview, have another one next week, and am waiting for a job offer on a third one. Now, the problem is, which one do I accept if I am offered more than one? They each have their own advantages and disadvantages. One would keep me here - the least exciting and most comfortable. One would have me on the road (or in the air) all the time - I would have no life outside of work and my hours would be completely unpredictable. The third would send me to Iraq for a year - it's a contract position, so no job security once the year is up, and seeing as it is in a war zone, the most dangerous of the three. The third is obviously the most appealing to me for many reasons, but I can't help but wonder if it is fair to do this to my family again? I have put them through so much already. I know it is hard for my Mom when I am that far away... she worries (a normal Mom response, considering the circumstances). I just don't know... Is it a selfish choice?

This may all be jumping the gun seeing as I have not actually been offered any of the aforementioned positions, but these are the thoughts currently running through my brain.

Happy Birthday, Norman Rockwell! =)

Is it ok?

Is it ok to not be happy for a friend who may just have found the man of her dreams?

Is it ok to not rejoice with a former classmate who just got engaged?

Is it ok to feel less than thrilled at receiving another invitation to an engagement party, wedding shower, or baby shower?

Is it ok to want to scream when another married person walks up to you and tells you "God has the perfect man for you"?

Is it ever ok to wonder "why them and not me?"

just wondering...

There are fates worse than eternal singleness

Yeah. Like that.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray to You?
How long must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

~Tenth Avenue North

I wish I could say that I have never felt this way - that I could not possibly relate to these words, but that is so far from the truth. What bothered me more was not the way I could relate, but the way in which I could not. Despite having felt complete dependancy on God, and often crying out in desperation, I don't think I have ever asked Him to "hold my heart." If I had, maybe I wouldn't be here right now. As a child, I was often told to "guard my heart" and other such phrases, but I don't think it ever sunk in. I never really understood what that meant... until it was too late. Or is it? Is it too late to ask God to hold my heart even though I have already given it away? I wonder...

The Waiting Game

This year has been an exercise in patience for me. I am not a naturally patient individual, and learning to wait on God and His perfect timing has not been an easy lesson for me. Although I know I can trust Him, doubts still linger. I have been in a holding pattern for six months and still the heavens are silent. I do not know what it is I am even waiting for, but I continue to wait. Somedays are harder than others, but God sends me encouragement along the way - today it was in the form of a friend, who is about to set off on a grand adventure. She is leaving for India next month and will be gone for a year. Talking with her over breakfast really helped to put things in perspective for me. And then on the drive home, a song came on the radio that spoke to my heart and reminded me that waiting is not the same as standing still. There are things that God is accomplishing in my life right now and there are things I can be doing to prepare for whatever it is that is coming next.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

Happy New Years!

I just love the Google doodle! It's quite ingenious the way they got the Google and the 2010 in there. Here's to fabulous decade!!! I don't know about you, but I am psyched! =)